To All the Foods I've Loved Before.

In the past few years, I've gained quite a bit of weight. It's not pretty.

I won't blame it on the food, since this problem only started after I hit 30, but I would like to pay some homage to the lovely, decadent delicacies I enjoyed (whenever, in whatever quantities) before my notably agist metabolism screeched to a halt:

 
• Bread. Sure, people talked about carbs (blah, blah, blah), but WHO KNEW?! I literally ate entire
  loaves of French bread between Gulfport and Saucier during college, but never dreamed this could be an issue. Until the ominous age of 32, that is. Now I could look at a bag of flour and only cancel it out by spending three days and nights at the gym. I miss you, bread.

• Chocolate. Right?! I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. Apparently it's not normal to be able to wake up famished at 3am and dig into a bag of Hershey's Kisses with no repercussions...until you're 32. Gotta watch that. Hmmpfh.

• Anything involving flour. (See #1.). I know this sounds weird, but it's true. Pasta. Biscuits (which, technically, is bread). Dumplings. Cake. Cookies. Hush puppies! All these things are included in the first bullet. Though I was never addicted to all of them like I was just plain bread. Sigh.

• Desserts. See last bullet.

• Anything else. It appears it doesn't matter what I eat. Now that my metabolism is anti-RJ, I could literally eat lettuce 24/7 and it will not make the slightest difference. I wish I was exaggerating.

So, my point is, I clearly cannot eat whatever, whenever, in however much quantity.You might ask, why blog about this?

Good question.

I blog about this to tell those people who enjoy no-risk binging this: ENJOY IT. Really. Whether or not it will ever end, just enjoy it. It's like good hair, or clear skin, or nice bone structure. You did nothing to deserve or earn it, but not everyone has the privilege. So enjoy!

Also, I submit the following note to the foods I've loved before (including, but not in any way limited to: pastas, baked goods, white rice, breads of all varieties, buffalo wings, ice creams, fatty granola bars, sugary cereals, deceptively tiny candies, boudin balls, etc):

Dear All The Foods I've Loved Before:

You were so good, but not necessarily good to me. (It's not your fault. I didn't know, either.)

So, I wish you the best in your endeavors. Unlike other unhealthy relationships in my life, I'm not saying goodbye forever, but rather, see you later. I won't see you as often as in the past, but I won't cut you out altogether. I just need you in low-dosages now.

And, finally, while you're not necessarily GOOD for society as a whole, it's really not you. It's me.

That is all.

Love,

rj