"Well, it usually IS."
- to my inbox, when it gives me a message that my mailbox is getting full
"Just TWO more minutes...just till the next cheap station..."
- to my gas light when it comes on
"I know. I know!"
- to my crutches when they fall
"I know I've had you since like the early 2000s and you shouldn't even still work, but now's just not the time for you to quit."
- to my microwave, when the light flickers and I imagine visiting the circle Dante wrote about that is Walmart
"You're REALLY never gonna die, are you?"
- to my dinosaur TV, about once a month
"What. A. Shocker."
- to my computer, anytime it gives me an error message
"God BLESS you for holding up."
- to my lap of luxury 2007 paid for Toyota Corolla
"Noooooo. No, I did not."
- to Siri, when she asks me "did you mean <fill in the blank>, rebekah?"
"Was that necessary?"
- to my iron, when it spews black ickiness onto perfectly clean attire (usually white)
"Offfff COURSE you are."
- to elevators, when they have signs saying they're out of order, usually when I'm on crutches
- to unexpectedly locked doors, particularly when I'm on crutches
- to unwelcome creatures in my dwelling space
(Ok. They're not technically inanimate objects, but they're grody, I wish they were inanimate, and that's what I say to them.)
- to my coffee, particularly the first cup
"Please don't. I'll be SO good to you from now on."
- to my phone, when it shows me the scary apple screen of who's-the-boss
"You can do this. I KNOW you can!"
- to apps, when they give me error messages
- to my multiple Pinterest failures when they show my initial trademark signs of failing