Things I Say to Inanimate Objects

"Well, it usually IS." 

- to my inbox, when it gives me a message that my mailbox is getting full

"Just TWO more minutes...just till the next cheap station..." 

- to my gas light when it comes on

"I know. I know!" 

- to my crutches when they fall

"I know I've had you since like the early 2000s and you shouldn't even still work, but now's just not the time for you to quit." 

- to my microwave, when the light flickers and I imagine visiting the circle Dante wrote about that is Walmart

"You're REALLY never gonna die, are you?" 

- to my dinosaur TV, about once a month 

"What. A. Shocker." 

- to my computer, anytime it gives me an error message

"God BLESS you for holding up." 

- to my lap of luxury 2007 paid for Toyota Corolla  

"Noooooo. No, I did not."  

- to Siri, when she asks me "did you mean <fill in the blank>, rebekah?"

"Was that necessary?" 

- to my iron, when it spews black ickiness onto perfectly clean attire (usually white)

"Offfff COURSE you are." 

- to elevators, when they have signs saying they're out of order, usually when I'm on crutches

"Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhuuhhhhh." 

- to unexpectedly locked doors, particularly when I'm on crutches 

"DIE!" 

- to unwelcome creatures in my dwelling space 

(Ok. They're not technically inanimate objects, but they're grody, I wish they were inanimate, and that's what I say to them.)

"You. Rock." 

- to my coffee, particularly the first cup

"Please don't. I'll be SO good to you from now on." 

- to my phone, when it shows me the scary apple screen of who's-the-boss 

"You can do this. I KNOW you can!"  

- to apps, when they give me error messages

"Really? Again?" 

- to my multiple Pinterest failures when they show my initial trademark signs of failing