Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Things I Say to Inanimate Objects

"Well, it usually IS." 
- to my inbox, when it gives me a message that my mailbox is getting full

"Just TWO more minutes...just till the next cheap station..." 
- to my gas light when it comes on

"I know. I know!" 
- to my crutches when they fall

"I know I've had you since like the early 2000s and you shouldn't even still work, but now's just not the time for you to quit." 
- to my microwave, when the light flickers and I imagine visiting the circle Dante wrote about that is Walmart

"You're REALLY never gonna die, are you?" 
- to my dinosaur TV, about once a month 

"What. A. Shocker." 
- to my computer, anytime it gives me an error message

"God BLESS you for holding up." 
- to my lap of luxury 2007 paid for Toyota Corolla  

"Noooooo. No, I did not."  
- to Siri, when she asks me "did you mean <fill in the blank>, rebekah?"

"Was that necessary?" 
- to my iron, when it spews black ickiness onto perfectly clean attire (usually white)

"Offfff COURSE you are." 
- to elevators, when they have signs saying they're out of order, usually when I'm on crutches

- to unexpectedly locked doors, particularly when I'm on crutches 

- to unwelcome creatures in my dwelling space 
(Ok. They're not technically inanimate objects, but they're grody, I wish they were inanimate, and that's what I say to them.)

"You. Rock." 
- to my coffee, particularly the first cup

"Please don't. I'll be SO good to you from now on." 
- to my phone, when it shows me the scary apple screen of who's-the-boss 

"You can do this. I KNOW you can!"  
- to apps, when they give me error messages

"Really? Again?" 
- to my multiple Pinterest failures when they show my initial trademark signs of failing

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