by my own

Nephews have the cutest way of saying things.

When Caleb is playing Mr. Independent (which, let's face it, is basically always), he sometimes stubbornly wrinkles that little forehead and with a puckered frown spouts, "No, Bekah. I want to do it by my own."

Even though, God bless him, he thinks I'm really just a big kid, occasionally the task will require adult supervision. In those cases, I'll gently assist or give him a reminder that I just need to help a little bit, but he's doing the main part.

But most of the time, when Caleb wants to do something "by his own," I stand back and watch with an inward smile, wishing I record every second of this event for the day when he truly comes into "his own." I know this stubborness is part of his little personality and that it will play a crucial role as his life and character traits unfold, so it's fun to watch him figure things out and put things together and get into a little somethin'-somethin' that maybe he really shouldn't be into just yet.

Today I became slightly overwhelmed with life.

Big things are happening, but my frustration didn't stem from one thing in particular. Several fires came up and the extinguisher was running out - you know, the kind of day everyone has had. I (think I) was fairly okay on the outside, but internally, I was exhausted. And irritated. And my head was spinning like a little red top.

It didn't help that I had to singlehandedly handle a few things that are ridiculous to singlehandedly handle. It also didn't help that I was pushing the little white cotton puff's accelerator to beat the clock as I (legally) sped down 220, willing time to stop. And it really didn't help that my intended destination was in an unsafe part of town, a pain to get to, and had been closed for an hour when I arrived (contrary to the schedule they'd posted on the web).

So I vented. (I mean, what are Lizzes and pink Razr phones for if not that, right?) And after we hung up, I stewed. And after I got home, I pushed myself to make several more less venting, more informative phone calls that are a necessary evil of my next few weeks. And after I made those phone calls, I pressed forward until I shot off a few equally informative e-mails. And after I clicked send, I got dressed for some time with friends. And after C and his Pops and I got there and got settled and the stories began flowing, something hit me.

I didn't really have to do today by my own.

And actually, in all fairness to my good intentions, I really thought I wasn't. I did pray the prayer that never fails (Thy will be done) when I started the day, but I think I forgot to remind myself that I had prayed it, because my focus became more on getting things done and less on Whose will I'd prayed would be done throughout my day.

I can't help but wonder if my Guardian smiles inwardly when He sees me pushing myself unnecessarily, wondering if, when I finally do come into my own, I'll remember how stubborn I was all those times.

I'm sure that in some situations, rather than smiling He grimaces, eases His way beside me, and gently reminds me that for safety's sake, I really should let Him handle this one, even if I hate to ask for that four-letter help word very much.

Hopefully one day I will come into my own, and I will make those around (and above) me proud to have watched the process. Until then, maybe I'll try to be a little more selective about the tasks I insist on doing "by my own."

3 Comments - 4 Kudos

I definitely know the feeling B! I wrote pages in my journal last night about much the same things. My girls are starting school today, and all I can do is pray that I am helping them develop that confidence to try things on 'their' own without fear so they can be better and stronger than their mommy as we all go along in life.
Posted by Just Music on August 3, 2007 - Friday 4:55 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]


Ahh, what a timely reminder! I'm SO glad you are willing to share it with us fellow on-liners. Thanks for the honesty and a great reminder. I wish I'd read it the posted date!
Posted by lotts2tel on August 8, 2007 - Wednesday 5:58 PM