cuatro

My sister's precious son (a.k.a. my main little man, a.k.a. Caleb) turned four yesterday, leaving me to wonder where the time has gone. Don't get me wrong -- the little guy has definitely had his share of photography sessions (amateur and otherwise), spoiling, play sessions, and phone convos with "da Bekah," but FOUR YEARS OLD? Good grief.

This means that a mere cuatro anos ago, I was experiencing what I suppose is at least a distilled version of the deepest, most age-old connection that exists.

When I saw that baby, my life changed. Even though I didn't conceive, carry, go through labor with, or birth him, my precious sister did, so I felt a sliver of several of those steps. From the excitement of a confirmed pregnancy to the relief of three safe trimesters to pacing the hospital hallways to first laying eyes on that sweet bundle, many tears were shed and prayers lifted for that little man and his mommy and daddy.

And they still are. And will be always.

I had no idea what a fun title "aunt" could be, and I love the challenge and excitement of growing into it even more fully as this sweet, playful, crazy-witty little guy grows into his already vivacious personality.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...keep 'em coming.


1 Comments - 2 Kudos

my revolution

I went home for a very brief Christmas trip, which was the best decision I have made about what to do with my discombobulated self in the last few days.

Here's why:
* Family time can be therapeutic -- and it was.
* My sweet puppy loves me and is not afraid to show it.
* Familiarity.
* My daddy's fire-building skills (and the great time we spent relaxing in front of the fireplace because of those skills).
* My mother's cooking skills (and the wonderful time I spent savoring the tastes of home because of those skills).
* Timing.
* Peacefulness.
* Christmas Eve at Nan's! :-)
* Seeing Aunt Mildred resting peacefully before I left to come back tonight.
* Taking some great pics of my Grandma Johnson's church...a place that was so centric to who she was and her character that lives on years after her human life ended.
* Knowing those I love who were far away -- specifically Kim & Co., C and Russ -- were where they needed to be, enjoying time with their families.

So my trip home clearly allowed my spirits to do a 180, which I so appreciate! And I have made up my mind that when the darkness creeps back in -- because it surely will -- I will just have to let the hardness of being new and alone in this town fade, and (forcibly) reorient myself to the great parts of that positioning: anonymity (love it!), freedom from obligations, exploring, etc.

Here I go...welcome to my revolution!

3 Comments - 4 Kudos

The power of prayer, it works! I am sooo glad you sound so well. Merry Christmas Bekah!
Posted by Carrie on December 26, 2007 - Wednesday 8:40 AM

Sometimes you can have that same discombobulated and lonely feeling at your very own home. I'm glad home helped you though! Happy New Year!
Posted by Amanda on December 27, 2007 - Thursday 1:08 PM

Very nicely said, my friend. You know, you can feel free to call or text whenever the blues seem to encroach a bit too far. We can all use a list of friends to call when such things happen - new town or no!
Posted by lotts2tel on December 28, 2007 - Friday 12:28 AM

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.

I'm not really sure if I'll ever figure out how to set these blogs to "private," so this could end up being a widespread blog instead of one just meant for close friends' eyes. Whatever the case, I guess it's time to just put it out there: IDK what is going on with me. I think I'm experiencing for the first time what I've heard about for so many years -- those "holiday blues" or whatever. That never made sense to me before this year -- how can you be sad around the holidays? -- but it's starting to really become clearer to me.

Yes, I'm sure a lot of this is stemming from my recent move...I don't know. I mean, I wasn't exactly on top of the world before I moved, either, so maybe it was just bound to happen, wherever I was. Of course, I feel better when I'm around friends and C and family and anyone who gets my mind off this funk I'm experiencing, but it's still there, deep down, no matter what. I hate it.

Also, I have a very special aunt who is in serious condition, and thinking about that doesn't help very much either. But I don't know. It's just....weird....and I know I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way, but I'm not used to it, so I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel normal again.

John Mayer has this great song about a quarter-life crisis. I've always been about 5 years behind the rest of my age group in terms of growing up, so maybe that's it. Maybe I'm experiencing that quarter-life crisis in my 30s.

Whatever the case, I still want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas and the most sincere hope that the world can feel merry and bright. There are so many people who have meant so much to me in so many ways -- Christmas cards could never fully express that. And if I could ask that while you're praying for those big items...cure for cancer, peace on earth, etc...I would appreciate one for the little redhead, too, to figure out what in the world is going on and to bounce out of this nastiness.

With much love and many wishes for the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of new years,
rebekah



1 Comments

Aw, Bekah.....You're way to pretty for soo many worries. It is difficult during the holidays, a usually perfect time, when things in your life aren't so perfect and I'll pray for you that it won't be so bad. You can come here if you'd like. My kids will be sure to cheer you up. I truly hope you find deep heart warming cheer but if not know that it's ok, it's just life ;)Merry Christmas!
Posted by Carrie on December 23, 2007 - Sunday 10:25 PM

Skipping Christmas?

A few years ago, I read John Grisham's book titled Skipping Christmas. At the time, I was delighted to think about and appreciate the value in doing just that -- foregoing the commercialism of the most wonderful time of the year, and just getting the heck out of dodge to take a breather. Of course, when I read it, I lived in a place where everyone knew my name as if the setting was the Cheers bar, and where I was ridiculously involved in so many activities that I barely took time for myself, much less the measured-out increments I gave to anyone else.

This year during the Christmas season, however, I live in a place where practically nobody knows my name, and I have more time for myself than I know what to do with. Maybe that's why my eyes have been more opened to the sights and sounds of Christmas than they have in a long time.

Granted, it could also be a result of RJ's Christmas in Stages -- having Christmas with the family during Thanksgiving (because that's when we saw Kim, Steve and Caleb), then semi-celebrating in BR throughout the month, then having C'mas with Carl last weekend, going to a few parties this week, going to the Coast for the actual holiday, then planning to re-live Christmas in January with my Jxn friends -- but still, even despite the fact that printer and computer issues have kept me from what has come to be a long-term goal of getting out Christmas cards, I think I'm feeling the true Christmas spirit more this year than I have in a while.

There's just something wonderful about experiencing so many of those loved traditions without the element of planning, organizing, and finding time in everyone's schedule to actually DO them -- like savoring Christmas lights as I drive around. And leisurely walking through the mall, hanging over the rail to look at the kiddos on Santa's lap. And actually writing out Christmas cards (whether or not they'll actually get sent before 12/24).

But I guess I'd better enjoy it this year. I won't be new, uncommitted, and able to simulate skipping everything forever!


1 Comments - 2 Kudos

Hey Rebecca From work... I just had to comment on your post. Last year was my first Christmas as a married woman, so here I was in this new place with this new husband in a new apartment AND he had to work so we didnt even get to go home for the Holidays :( We didnt have much money for presents for each other, but we had JUST gotten TONS of wedding gifts. So we put up a tree, Rusty's first REAL tree mind you, I cooked lots of yummy food and we ate on our new Christmas china every meal til New Years! We didnt buy but 3 gifts for each other, which is now sortof our own tradition. Christmas Eve we went to church and then after we got ice cream and drove around looking at Christmas lights. We stopped in the city park on the Bentonville Square (home to the first Walton 5 and Dime where Sam Walton got his idea :) and enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL lights there. We actually ran into a family there taking their annual family pics in the park in PAJAMAS and they invited us to Christmas dinner at their house, even though we decided to not go so we could have our own special Christmas dinner, it was soo sweet of them to offer. I only cried a few times and thought about missing out on all the family festivites in Star, but we had such a great first Christmas I don't think we'll ever forget it! This year, I've worked really hard to make it special so we've had friends over for dinner many times, hosted a carolling outing and even had our church young professional christmas party at our apartment club house!I'm glad you've had the chance to step back and enjoy those twinkling lights and the REAL MEANGING OF CHRISTMAS! Merry Christmas! Rebecca the Sister :)
Posted by Rebecca on December 18, 2007 - Tuesday 6:50 AM